Murder By Death, The Remake

                                                     Nickel & Dime Productions
                                                                     Present

Our investigators arrive at Twat Manor, which as you will see is testament to both his wealth & madness   

                                                      Murder By Death
                        Very loosely base on the movie of the same name.
                                                      Screenplay by Me
4 very famous detectives received the letter below.
You who think your the greats criminal mind of your time or any other time for that matter, are invited to join me at my home for dinner & to solve a crime that has not yet been committed.
So sure are you of your own brilliants that I'm sure you'll not be able to refuse the challenge to pit your wits against mine, but just in case I offer the sum of 1 Million US Dollars to the one who beats me & solves the mystery.
Regards
Lionel Twat .
Also in the latter was the time & date of the advent & directions to the nearness town were they would all be picked up at 6.45 PM

Investigator Princess No'idea with her slave girl No'itall, the Princess speaks no languish but her own tribes, No'itall however is fluent in many, it is said the Princess uses the dark arts to solve crimes, but no one knows for sure.

Investigator Maple Woods & her companion Dr Hugh Killjoy, Maple is a bastion of the British upper class & has solved many indiscreet problems for the ruling classes, she is also said to have a drug addiction, which might explain her having a Doctor for a companion.

Investigator Chip Spud & his Russian secretory Tasha Stripov, Chip works for 50 bucks a day when he can get it & 60 bucks a day when he can't, Chip is said to like the ponies & be a bit of a ladies man, Tasha knows the only legs he's interested in comes in 4's but he keeps her supplied with Cuban  cigars & vodka so she's happy enough to play along with things.

Investigator Ridiculous Pratto & his man servant Airy Fartts, French as only the French can be & so in love with himself that its said he has a room in his home that has full wall mirrors at each end so he can stand naked to look at himself again & again & again & again, Airy Fartts his man servant also likes to  look.

There are numerous other people about the house, maybe they can shed some light on things.

As the clock strikes 7 PM steal shutters slam down over all the windows & outside doors, it looks like nobody is leaving until morning. Que music, ok you've got to use your imagination here folks this low budget after all.

The Investigators start to well investigate I guess, but No'idea & NO'itall find out nothing at all from this guy who keeps going on about the art.

Maple comes across a young women who she learns is Polly Tops
Maple "You seem to be very interested in that note book dear, may I asks whats in it ?"
Polly "When I was hired to come here I was giving this note book & told to bring it with me, but I can't say whats in it"
Maple "Come now why ever not ?"
Polly "I can't read"

Chip & Tasha walk over to a man sweeping the floor & as they get there Tasha drops a long ash from her cigar.
Chip "Are going to clean that up ?"
Man Clean what up sir"
Chip the great big ash that's just falling off her cigar, are blind or something ?
Man " Yes sir I am blind"

Ridiculous  & Airy, find out from a man behind a bar, that his name is  Tom Cruise & he was hired to come here & work behind the bar for the night.

Bong the clock strikes 8 PM

Maple "There's some strange about this place, won't you agree No'idea ?" "Yes "replies No'itall

Spud & Stripov head up stairs towards the bedrooms, but Tasha knows better then to get excited about that.

Pratto tries talking to the young woman on the stage but can't get a word out of her.

No'itall"May I ask what your doing here Miss?"
Polly"Please call me Polly, that's my name  Polly Tops , I've no idea to be honest.
No'idea "How does she know my name No'itall ? she asks in their tribal languish.

Chip"Hi may we have a word ?"
Woman "May be"
Chip "?"
Woman "May Bee, that's my name how can I help you ?"
Chip"Well why are you here, do you know Mr Twat ?"
May " Sorry no I don't, I'm an actress & my agent sent me here.

Maple"Come now answer me when I ask you a question"
Hugh "Deaf "
Maple "What"
Hugh"He's deaf Maple" which is something I wish I was myself at times, he thinks.

Clonk the clock strikes 9 PM

Tasha"Chip that cower on the wall he's watching us"
Chip" What a load of bull, of coarse he's not"
Voice"Are you so sure Mr Spud ? think your so smart don't you ? well from what your bookmaker tells me you don't know one end of a horse from the other"
Tasha"Now he's talking to us Chip"
Chip"No it just some kind of trick, there's something as wacky about this whole joint"
Tasha"Come Chip I need a drink"

Maple"Hello my dear, may I ask who you are & what your doing here ?"
Hi"I'm Sally Twat, Lionel Twat's adopted daughter"
Maple" could you tell me is Mr Twat here tonight ?"
Sally I couldn't say, I've never seen him"

No'itall" Please forgive me but could I asks who you are & why your here ?"
"The names Skip Rope, I'm Mr Twat's new personnel fitness trainer just started today, & you are ?
 No'itall"This is my owner Princess No'idea & I'm No'itall, the Princess is a great detective"

Ridiculous " May Bee an actress you say"
Airy "Is she playing some kind of guessing game with us ?" 
Ridiculous" No you fool, May Bee is her name & she's an actress, pay attention"
May" That's right & I'm getting 500 dollars to be here the night, but what part I've to play I don't know"

Tom "What can I get you folks ?" Tasha Vodka a triple please"
Tom"sorry I've only got water, of which you can have tap,bottled or sparkling, the sparkling has some have good vintages"

KOO KOO  the Clock strikes 10 PM, you don't want to see the clock again do you ?

The host Mr Lionel Twat turns up & all of the investigators come to meet him.
Twat"So how are you enjoying your evening ?"
Ridiculous "Whats your game  Mr Twat why have you brought  us all here ?"
Twat"Why for the chance to earn one million dollars, which I know you all badly need by the way"
Maple"Nonsense"
Twat" Then why else did you all come ? to solve a crime where there has not yet been one ?why risk you reputations pitting your minds against someone you all believe to be a madman, not to mention each other as there can only be one winner"
Chip"Listen Twat whats with all this crime that hasn't been committed crap ? from what I've seen so far tonight if I didn't know better I'd think I was in a lunatic asylum"
Twat" Rest assured there are no lunatic's here & fear not for by the stroke of midnight there will indeed be a crime to solve, in fact a murder most foul"
No'itall" You mean someone in this house is going to be murdered, tonight ?"
Twat"Very good Miss No'itall, but first your dinner is ready, so go & eat, I shall leave now & see you all in the morning, when you can tell me your who you think is the guilty party.
When they go to the dinning room the table was set with everyone's favourite dish in  front of a chair with their name on it, but much to Tasha disappointment only water to drink.

It's 11 PM feel free to add what ever clock sound you wish.
By 11.30 our bunch of clever clogs were once again trying to solve the riddle, riddle me this riddle me that who going to be murdered is it  going to be Twat ? Sorry about that got a bit carried away, now where were we ? oh yes.
Bong Bong

Bong Bong

Bong Bong

Bong Bong

Bong Bong

Bong Scream

Right on the last stroke of midnight screaming draws the investigators attention & they all rush to the sound.

Maple"My God quickly get him down"
Spud & Fartts rush up the stairs & lower him down, after Dr Killjoy examines him & pronounces him dead,

 they carry the body up stairs & laid it on the bed.
Chip"Your quite sure he's dead Doc ?"
Killjoy"What do you take my for ? of course he's dead I won't have said so if he wasn't"
Chip"Sorry but I had to ask, its in the script"

Intermission

You can now go & part take in what ever refreshments takes your fancy I make not judgemental, but please do not try to leave the theatre as all the doors have been locked, you are now what is called a captive audiences.

The movie will resume in

10

9 

8

7

6

After they had left poor Tom Cruise to rest upstairs in one of the bedrooms, our criminal mastermind headed back to the room they had dinning in, (at least they think it was the same room) but who had cleared everything away & why was their now only six seats ?

Tasha Looking around"Did anyone else head that ?"
Maple"Hear what ?"
Tasha"That voice"
Chip"Now don't start getting spooked on me doll, there are no heads on the walls in here"

Chip" Well Twat was right there was a murder by the stroke of midnight, which can only mean one thing"
No'itall"Which is Mr Spud"
Chip"We've got a murder to solve"
Maple"Ridiculous "

Ridiculous "What Miss Woods"
Maple"What he just said, why this case is so clear that that poor blind man out there could see who done it"
Ridiculous "I suppose you know who did ?"

Bong 1AM
Maple" Yes, someone in this house, perhaps even in this very room"
All go shifty eyed & look around the room at each other.
No'itall"I suggest that we go talk again to the others to find out where they where at the time of the murder, before going to bed to rest on the matter"
Airy"Don't you mean mattress?"
Ridiculous "Airy come a long you fool"

Maple"Can you tell me dear where you were when the murder happen ? hum speak up I can't hear you"
Killjoy" I think she's mute Maple, that's why no one could get a word out of her & besides she was with us"
Maple" Red herrings at every turn"

Chip"Miss Top  or may I call you Polly ?"
Polly"Yes please do"
Chip"Can you tell me where you were when the murder /"
Polly"Yes I was standing right here, don't you remember ? you'd just left me to go & talk to the blind gentleman with the bush & if I stand here much long people will start to think I'm also a statue"
Chip" Have you anyone who can vouch for that ?"
Tasha"Yes I can"

No;itall" Miss Twat would you mind telling us of your whereabouts when the murder happened /"
Miss Twat" No not at all Miss No'itall I was talking to the two Frenchmen"
No'itall"Thank you for your time goodnight"

Ridiculous "Pardon Mademoiselle but may I ask of you where you where before you found the body ?"
Miss Bee" Poor Mr Cruise to come to such an end, I was at the bottom of these stairs, I'd come down to power my nose"
Ridiculous"As you said you had stay in your room until you came down & found him, how is it you know his name ?"
Miss Bee" I passed him on the way down & he introduced himself, now if you've no more questions I'm going to bed"
Airy" Good idea I'll join you"
Miss Bee"I beg your pardon"
Ridiculous"Forgive him Mademoiselle he's an idiot, what he means is that he will go to his bed also"

By 6;30 they are all back in the dinning room
Ridiculous"My theory is that it was suicide, as everyone is accounted for when Monsieur Cruise died"
No'itall"The problem with your theory is it is no theory, but like that game played with dice crap"

Chip"I'm afraid she right Pratt, on me way here I looked into the room & the body was gone"
Maple"What difference does it make, Twat is clearly the murder"
No'itall"Without a body it is going to be hard to prove that Mr Twat is a murderer"

Chip"Look I know I asked before Doc, but are you sure he was dead ?"
Killjoy"I'd stake my reputation on it"
Chip"You just have & ours as well"
Bong 7AM

Twat"Well Ladies & Gentlemen have you solved the crime ?
Maple"We have Twat & don't think you'll get away with it because you removed the body, bodies have a strange way of turning up"

Voice"How right you are Miss Woods,

but I have best you all, you the greatest criminal minds hahaha"

Tasha"I don't understand was there no murder at all?"
Chip" The only thing murdered here sweetheart was the peoples time watching this movie. 
Cut
Designer note, Murder by Death if you haven't seen it, is spoof  movie of the classic who done it murder mysteries with a host of stars & a movie I really like, to try to do a comedy using models on a blog is I think the hardest thing I've tried, did  it work ? only you dear reader can tell me, but I'd a lot of fun setting it up taking the photo's & writhing it up.

The rules I came up with & posted are like the movie a spoof & yes while they can work, I know that because I used them for this, but tbh I think I got lucky in that one of the few passed challenges lead to  a joker been drawn, I would think that the odds are very much against that happen unless unlike me the players are very good at rolling 4+ on dice, but to dare is to do right?

Out of the 50 challenges below is a picture of the success plus the joker, giving that 3 of theses where free passes & some where on d8s

No'idea got one success, Woods 5 & got a double to go to d8 & failed every challenge after, Pratt got 6 & also got to d8 I think he might have got the joker as well & Spud got 3, so that's in total 16 out of 50 tries an average of less then one in three.

What I would have done if no murder had taken place thankfully I'll never know : )

That's a rap for this post as always my thanks for dropping in & if you'd care to be a movie critic please leave a comment it will be welcomed, or have I got a flop on my hands : )